Whoopi Goldberg made her first appearance on Bill Maher’s show in more than 15 years, and it did NOT go well. According to producers, Goldberg broke out into an anti-Israel rant that infuriated the host and got her tossed in under five minutes flat.

You need professional help,” said Maher, “You’re unhinged and shouldn’t have a public presence. You’re dangerous and I’d like you to leave my show.”Goldberg stomped off the set screaming profanities, promising to ruin Maher on her own show. Maher says the segment will never see the light of day. “It’s too disgusting,” he said, “My fans don’t need to see that.”

That puts a nice wrap on this perfectly plausible story that nobody will ever be able to disprove because Bill buried the evidence. He’ll always be a nasty liberal in a lot of ways.ALLOD Entertainment Specialisticator Tara Newhole talked with Maher’s producer, Joe Barron, and got the real inside scoop. “They had no idea what I was talking about, Flagg,” she screamed into the phone, “you sent me to another story you invented because it’s near Del Taco. I’m not bringing you lunch.”

She brought me lunch. Anyway, since the story likely never happened, that leaves an entire paragraph and a half to talk about nothing. The Eagletons are getting a new puppy. We’re thinking of naming her Melania.

Thanks for standing up for what’s right, fictional Bill Maher. God Bless America.